Somehow, life finds a way
Sep. 16th, 2023 09:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zkaNearly a year has passed! And it's me, again. Oh lord
Look at this blockquote, from a post I wrote in 2019!:
There is a more effective drug, which completely severs the link to my emotions, and that drug is *coffee*. When I drink coffee and get into a flow state writing computer code, it's incredible because *I'm not there*. My hopes and fears are banished. I know we all joke about the magical powers of coffee, but it really is the bluntest instrument for destroying whatever I feel.
I'm seeing a new therapist; she is the third. The other two were great, I wholeheartedly recommend them, but I moved from Washington to Oregon, and Therapist Number Two wasn't licensed to practice in Oregon, so ... It took a while to find a new mental health provider, because the world is hurting. The vast majority of therapists I contacted didn't bother to respond, they're already overbooked; just radio silence on their end.
The New Therapist thought my caffeine regimen was interesting, and asked me to take a short questionnaire. Long story short: Most people use caffeine as a stimulant, meaning they get "amped", energetic, and have a deluge of thoughts. But in people with ADHD, if you use specific doses of stimulants, the opposite effect occurs: thoughts are focused, emotions go quiescent, and noise recedes into the background.
Surprise, you beautiful tall bitch!: It is likely you've had ADHD your entire life.
I had no idea this was possible, until last week. I'd seen other people endure it (my partner has it, and was on medication when we met; Adderall is basically low-dose meth). I figured it was just something other people dealt with, and since I'm high-functioning ^enough^, it couldn't possibly be in my headspace.
But, what does this mean?! ADHD is a spectrum, and between the two major types, I'm probably more "hyperactive" than "inattentive". (I'm simplifying a bit, I haven't researched this properly. Roast me in the comments plz.) Below is a list of my quirks, which are suspiciously aligned with the classical symptoms of the ADHD spectrum:
* Either in a "hyper-focused" state of mind (flow state, especially when doing something interesting), or: huge struggle to maintain focus, easily distracted, lots of daydreaming, difficult to pay attention to the subject matter / meeting / conversation / whatever.
* Frequently changing interests, like how I dive deep into a new hobby every 1–2 years, and ditch whatever came before.
* Fidgety and squirmy.
* Constantly feeling a drive to fix things, and be productive. The flipside: Don't know how to relax; "doing nothing" is excruciating. Mentally punishing myself when I'm not productive.
* Constant struggle to manage emotions in situations that other people seem fine with, like this nice example from Wikipedia's ADHD article: "Often struggles to wait their turn, including waiting in lines." Why yes, I do want to scream if I'm forced to wait my turn, with nothing productive to do aaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The list goes on. It's a deep subject, it's frequently "comorbid" with other conditions, including the tendency to avoid people (pretending to be human around strangers is difficult).
If this is indeed legitimate, then ^wow^ I've achieved quite a bit, in spite of it (or perhaps by leveraging it? Hyper-focused software development, and all.) No, I do not want medication. Actually, let me clarify that point: I already have medication, he says, slamming the coffee cup on the table and staring daggers at everyone. Now get out, as he hugs the espresso machine, caressing it softly, it'll be okay, they won't take you this time, my sweet baby
With my current routine, my mental state is nestled in a local maxima, I don't want to tamper with that equilibrium. ADHD may help explain some things, but I truly am high-functioning enough, and that's okay, I don't consider myself to be ^suffering^ from this. It's more of a shock that this went unnoticed, and unremarked, for nearly half a century.
Semi-related: Lately I've made an effort to not be productive, and I'm jokingly referring to this as my "flop era". Back to rotting my brain with Metroid Prime Remastered, also I suck at this game lol
Look at this blockquote, from a post I wrote in 2019!:
There is a more effective drug, which completely severs the link to my emotions, and that drug is *coffee*. When I drink coffee and get into a flow state writing computer code, it's incredible because *I'm not there*. My hopes and fears are banished. I know we all joke about the magical powers of coffee, but it really is the bluntest instrument for destroying whatever I feel.
I'm seeing a new therapist; she is the third. The other two were great, I wholeheartedly recommend them, but I moved from Washington to Oregon, and Therapist Number Two wasn't licensed to practice in Oregon, so ... It took a while to find a new mental health provider, because the world is hurting. The vast majority of therapists I contacted didn't bother to respond, they're already overbooked; just radio silence on their end.
The New Therapist thought my caffeine regimen was interesting, and asked me to take a short questionnaire. Long story short: Most people use caffeine as a stimulant, meaning they get "amped", energetic, and have a deluge of thoughts. But in people with ADHD, if you use specific doses of stimulants, the opposite effect occurs: thoughts are focused, emotions go quiescent, and noise recedes into the background.
Surprise, you beautiful tall bitch!: It is likely you've had ADHD your entire life.
I had no idea this was possible, until last week. I'd seen other people endure it (my partner has it, and was on medication when we met; Adderall is basically low-dose meth). I figured it was just something other people dealt with, and since I'm high-functioning ^enough^, it couldn't possibly be in my headspace.
But, what does this mean?! ADHD is a spectrum, and between the two major types, I'm probably more "hyperactive" than "inattentive". (I'm simplifying a bit, I haven't researched this properly. Roast me in the comments plz.) Below is a list of my quirks, which are suspiciously aligned with the classical symptoms of the ADHD spectrum:
* Either in a "hyper-focused" state of mind (flow state, especially when doing something interesting), or: huge struggle to maintain focus, easily distracted, lots of daydreaming, difficult to pay attention to the subject matter / meeting / conversation / whatever.
* Frequently changing interests, like how I dive deep into a new hobby every 1–2 years, and ditch whatever came before.
* Fidgety and squirmy.
* Constantly feeling a drive to fix things, and be productive. The flipside: Don't know how to relax; "doing nothing" is excruciating. Mentally punishing myself when I'm not productive.
* Constant struggle to manage emotions in situations that other people seem fine with, like this nice example from Wikipedia's ADHD article: "Often struggles to wait their turn, including waiting in lines." Why yes, I do want to scream if I'm forced to wait my turn, with nothing productive to do aaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The list goes on. It's a deep subject, it's frequently "comorbid" with other conditions, including the tendency to avoid people (pretending to be human around strangers is difficult).
If this is indeed legitimate, then ^wow^ I've achieved quite a bit, in spite of it (or perhaps by leveraging it? Hyper-focused software development, and all.) No, I do not want medication. Actually, let me clarify that point: I already have medication, he says, slamming the coffee cup on the table and staring daggers at everyone. Now get out, as he hugs the espresso machine, caressing it softly, it'll be okay, they won't take you this time, my sweet baby
With my current routine, my mental state is nestled in a local maxima, I don't want to tamper with that equilibrium. ADHD may help explain some things, but I truly am high-functioning enough, and that's okay, I don't consider myself to be ^suffering^ from this. It's more of a shock that this went unnoticed, and unremarked, for nearly half a century.
Semi-related: Lately I've made an effort to not be productive, and I'm jokingly referring to this as my "flop era". Back to rotting my brain with Metroid Prime Remastered, also I suck at this game lol
no subject
Date: 2023-09-19 05:19 am (UTC)Personally I take strong issue with the "disorder" part of ADD. As a kid I thought it was a curse because part of me simply wanted to fit in, get good grades, and fly under the radar. But over time it became an enormous asset. It also became enmeshed in my identity to the point where, whenever I ponder the idea of being "free" of it, and more of a "normal" person, I recoil in horror. I would rather be dead than give this up.
You're confronting the question of, "Why have I done so many different kinds of things?" as if the answer reveals a deficiency. You skipped the earlier question: "How come I can do so many different kinds of things?"
Just of the top of my head, in no particular order:
- Write well beyond a college level, in instructional and fiction modalities, including dialogue.
- Compose music
- Do a fair bit of electrical engineering
- Draw and sketch in multiple mediums
- Design and construct complex mechanical devices
- Code well enough to have a career that is extremely profitable and that you've been mostly able to call your own shots in
- Combine all of the above to design and construct freakin' electronic art installations
- Play multiple instruments and mesh with a live band
- Sing
- Speak in front of an audience
- Keep a dance floor hooked using live DJ instincts
- Hold your own in a boxing ring
- Rock the fuck out of a suit and tie
- Charm everyone I introduce to you (especially The Ladies; Jesus they just about faint after they meet you)
- Did I mention compelling interior design?
This is you livin' life, my guy. You are absolutely right that you have leveraged the architecture of your mind all these years. Your mind wouldn't accept anything less...
My version of high-functioning has mostly taken the form of constantly practicing one habit, ever since my mid-20's: Every now and then, I stop what I'm doing, and ask myself: "What was I just thinking about before my current thought?" and go back as far as I can. (When I started this, it was almost impossible, of course...)
What mechanisms have you constructed, and what do they address?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-25 05:15 am (UTC)Even if I had a formal ADHD diagnosis, you're right, it wouldn't change anything fundamental; I don't want to diminish how I live, I want to keep doing ^everything^.
Perhaps there are still some positive takeaways from this. I've had a nagging feeling like something is "wrong" with ^my^ brain for a while, like "why am I different". I excelled at a few specific things, then I struggled over daily normal-person activities, which most people seem to have no problems facing. This is basically the story of my entire adult life. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this.
I'm asked my therapist for ideas to help accomplish things (specifically: I wish we were better at cleaning the house). I tend to stall when it's time to clean, or I get stuck in a weird procrastination loop. ... She had lots of suggestions, now I need to try these! First idea: try reframing the language around what you're about to do. Instead of referring to it as "cleaning", name it the "15-minute reset". So the name describes exactly how long this will take, and how it will feel when you're done; you're "resetting the room", so it's a restorative act instead of feeling like a punishment.
I dunno if any of these will work. I _do_ know the house is disgusting tho
I need to ponder the mechanisms question! I'm not sure I understand myself that well. I know I've turned into a creature of habit over the years, as a mechanism for survival, but also I loathe this about myself because I feel I'm not open to experiences anymore.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-25 09:07 pm (UTC)