Hij wil zijn naam niet zeggen.

Our first big Dutch language test was yesterday! I suspect I did reasonably well, and that my husband bombed the test. :( Tomorrow we find out.

I've been meditating every day, consistently. I've had to accept that I basically have to do this, else my brain gnashes on malevolent and bizarre thoughts, effectively self-sabotaging my mood and life. It's mildly embarrassing to admit that I have a crutch like this, it feels like confessing something shameful or taboo. Oh well, this is how I'm wired, I have to act like an adult and accept that this strange ritual is a requirement, if I want to feel baseline "okay".

Still feeling trapped at home, in the Dutch suburbs. We don't have doggy boarding set up for Brandy dog, so we spend the bulk of our time inside this house. We want to see more of Amsterdam, and visit other countries, aaaghhh we're so close and yet it feels so far away.

I'm still sewing. My boiled wool coat is coming along nicely. (More on this in a minute.)

Here is something that drives me crazy about the Netherlands, and I hope I can express this in a way that won't anger future readers:

People here seem to be very judgmental, and overly-aware of each other. I think there's enormous pressure to blend in, and not do (or say, or wear) anything colorful or fantastical:

• No one wears color, patterns, or prints. There are no bright hues, no plaids, no stripes, not even graphic T-shirts; none of it. If I wear my yellow Gore-Tex shoes, someone will always stare like I'm indulging in unspeakable sin.


• My husband is heavily tattooed, on the back of his head and neck. Without fail, he receives a lot of mystified, critical stares when he's out in public. This is a very different experience compared to living in (say) left-leaning anything-goes Portland.

The Netherlands was a deeply Calvinistic society in the 17th century, and I suspect that people's behaviors still echo these ideals. Like the burden of generational trauma.

On the one hand, this sounds like a fair deal: go to work, blend in, help others, and you will be rewarded with a pretty good life. It's egalitarian. On the other hand, this is the worst curse if you want to be different, or express yourself in ways people haven't seen before, or focus on yourself without worrying about what everyone else is thinking.

I believe it's not merely an issue within the conservative suburbs. We watched Amsterdam's Sinterklaas celebration on TV, and the overwhelming majority of citizens were dressed similarly, just solid black all-weather jackets, with a few shades of dark grey or steel blue in the mix.

Husband just reminded me that this is "normcore", which is "everywhere" right now, because it's the current fashion. I think it's an extreme form of social cooling; everyone is afraid the cameras will suddenly point at them.

I'm trying to stay positive (meditation helps a lot), and not ruminate on this subject too deeply, because it's a doom spiral which leads nowhere. I'm glad folks here created a prosperous, polite society. But I suspect that, like any suburb or restrictive system, anyone who doesn't want to conform will find a way to move elsewhere.

I've been unconsciously removing colorful clothes from my wardrobe, and this realization pushed me to rant about this. My boiled wool coat is a vivid shade of petrol blue, which is a fantastic color well-known in Europe, but never worn in the Netherlands, as far as I can tell. Will I appear as crazy as someone wearing yellow shoes? Dunno.